Thirty

Today is my 30th birthday.

I've never been someone who has really been bothered by getting older, considering every birthday a gift.  However, this year feels different to me.

I've always thought I would have my life figured out by the time I turned 30.  I thought I'd be happily married, maybe with a child or two, living in my own house, kicking butt at paying off student loans and feeling secure in myself, my relationships, and my life situation in general.  Oh, how I was wrong.

Here's the reality of my life, at age 30:

• I'm divorced.
• I live in my parents' basement.
• I do not have children (nor am I an aunt anymore since getting divorced).
• I have lots of student loan debt.
• I have another failed post-divorce relationship.
• I commute over an hour (one way!) to a job that I enjoy but that is incredibly draining.
• I'm drowning in depression and anxiety.

In a lot of ways, I'm not doing as well at age 30 as I imagined.  As 30 approached, all I could focus on was how embarrassed, ashamed, and sad I felt for everything that I'm not: married, a parent, debt-free, on my own, mentally well, stable.

Someone recently showed me this quote, though, and it's been rolling through my head for the past several days.

All of the shame and embarrassment I was feeling was completely due to someone else's timelines, not my own!  I found myself measuring my own life to where I see other people in my life who are around my same age and feeling like a total failure for not having what they have or for what I wanted (and still maybe do want?).

I needed to re-frame how I was approaching this new decade.  My 20s were challenging, yes, filled with some of the darkest and most awful times I have ever experienced.  However, they also were a time when I grew and learned an incredible amount about myself.  All that I have experienced and learned in my 20s are things that I can (and will!) take with me in this new decade.

Instead of focusing on what I've lost or don't have, here's a list of some of the gifts I DO have:

• Two loving and gracious parents who have welcomed me home without batting an eye.
• A brother and sister-in-law who love me and support me more than I ever thought possible.
• Friends - new and old - who accept me as I am, make me laugh, genuinely enjoy my company, and inspire me to be a better woman.
• Extended family who support me and care about me.
• A goofy and sweet black lab, Rooney, who is my emotional rock and reason to keep on going.
• Health insurance that allows me to see my fantastic therapist and psychiatrist, and that covers my medications to help my brain and body be healthier.
• An experience of a true loving relationship.
• Hobbies and coping skills to get myself through each and every day.
• Knowing that I am a kickass school counselor (despite my mental illnesses!)
• A church community that gives me hope and stability.
• Passion for things that matter and the drive to act upon them.

I'm looking forward to leaving the shitty 20s behind and face this new decade with bravery - and maybe even a little optimism - with the knowledge I have gained and the support of those who love me.