Gravity

Note: This post contains discussion of emotional and sexual abuse.

I was going through old videos on my phone for the first time since getting divorced.  I found all kinds of funny (subjective) Snapchat stories I had made of myself having solo dance parties and Broadway music singalongs.  I smiled as I watched them...they're goofy and they very much capture the true essence of Brynn.

Nestled in between these videos were some more serious videos I had made of me singing full versions of songs.  Sometimes I shared these songs on my Facebook page, and sometimes I just recorded them for me.

One of these videos was made in June 2016.  I remember recording it very distinctly.  It was my last day of school/work.  I was so happy to be done for the school year and begged my then-husband to stay home with me that night to celebrate the end of the year.  He refused, saying he needed to go out with his friends.  I was left all alone.  I was sad and lonely, so I resorted to my favorite coping mechanism: I set up my phone, pulled up my favorite silly karaoke video YouTube channel, and started to sing.

The song is "Gravity," by Sara Bareilles.  It's a beautiful, gut-wrenching song, written after Sara's first true heartbreak.  She talks about being emotionally pulled back to that person, even though their relationship is over. (You can watch my cover on YouTube here).

Looking back at this video and remembering what was going on in my life at the time I recorded it, I was struck with painfully strong emotions I haven't felt in a long time.  Just a couple of weeks before, my then-husband had told me that he had been thinking of driving his car off a bridge and ending his life because of his dissatisfaction with our marriage (of which he blamed all of his dissatisfaction on me).  He had been saying for several years that he would divorce me if I didn't have sex with him more often (even though he knew I am a survivor of sexual assault and such threats are no way to "convince" someone to be intimate with you).  And when I asked him to go to couples counseling with me, he said he didn't think that was necessary, but instead, I needed therapy individually to work on my anxiety (which he also claims was the only thing that would fix our marriage).  I knew in my head that I was in an emotionally abusive and manipulative marriage and had been for several years.  I suffered in silence because I was embarrassed, ashamed, and desperately didn't want to become a statistic.  However, my heart loved things about him and I was stuck about what to do.  It was just weeks after this video was recorded that I knew I had had enough of the manipulation and abuse, decided my life and happiness were worth more than what I had been living with, and moved back home with my parents.

Watching this video again and seeing how differently I look and sound in it compared with the goofy Snapchat stories taken around the same time tore me apart emotionally.  I sat watching them tonight and sobbed.  The happy-go-lucky girl I showed on social media had deep, dark secrets inside that she kept to herself purely because of shame.  I was made to believe that I was flawed, that my anxiety was preventing me from being able to love (and be loved), and I was left feeling alone, desperate, and disgusted with myself.

I know now that I deserve better than how I was treated in my marriage.  I have so many wonderful qualities that I bring to those around me, and I need to remember this as I decide whether to let another person into my heart.  It's far too precious to experience anything less than unconditional, genuine, whole love.