How to Be Supportive — Brynn Ashley

If you've read more than one of my blog posts before, you'll know that I am passionate about working to end the stigma against mental illness. One of the things I've heard from people a lot is, "I care, but I just don't know what to say!" Talking about mental illness can be hard and awkward, but it doesn't have to be. I want to help people understand what things may or may not be helpful to say to someone who is experiencing mental illness.

Not Helpful

"I'm sorry if your feelings are hurt." | Oof, this is the weakest apology ever. It completely takes the blame away from the person who did or said something hurtful. It makes me feel like I'm the guilty or wrong one for having feelings...which is something that so many of us with mental illness battle every day anyways. We judge and over-analyze our feelings. We are often chronic over-apologizers ourselves (and find ourselves apologizing for situations in which we are objectively the victims). Please avoid this phrase...it is so damaging.
"So many people have it worse than you." | Oh trust me, I'm aware of this. Part of the reason I have trouble asking for help sometimes is because I know other people have their own shit they're dealing with. Or I convince myself that my issues are small potatoes compared to people living without clean water, or immigrant parents being ripped apart from their young children, or refugees living in constant fear for their safety, or some of my students who struggle with their own mental illness but don't have supportive family or friends. I get anxiety about the level of my anxiety, especially when compared with what others are experiencing. I don't need to be reminded. Plus, my feelings are real and valid, and hearing this phrase is a dismissal of my feelings.
"Don't you think you're being a little selfish?" | It can be extremely challenging for people with mental illness to seek help, admit they're struggling, or put themselves first...especially for those of us who are high-functioning. I know that I have downplayed my mental illness SO MUCH because I haven't always valued myself enough to take charge of my wellness. So when I finally have decided to put myself first, the last thing I want to be told is that I'm being selfish. I have taken some somewhat drastic (for me) measures to finally tackle some of my struggles and improve my mental health and the blatant or insinuated judgment I have experienced really adds to the shame I already feel about my mental illness. A little grace goes a long way.
"I totally get it - we all get depressed sometimes." | While it is true that many people go through periods of deep sadness or even depression following certain events (loss, trauma, unemployment, etc.), there is a distinct difference between those situational events and chronic, major depression. I have experienced depression following the loss of a grandparent, but I also have experienced major depression that doesn't have a "reason" other than that's the way my brain works. In those periods, it takes immense energy for me to get out of bed, shower, and join the world. I question my existence. I find little pleasure in anything. I don't want to eat. I feel numb, nothing. This kind of depression is scary, lonely, completely different from situational depression/sadness. If I'm in a period of depression, telling me you know exactly how I feel because you have been sad after losing a relative, or telling me to cheer up, or asking me to think of the good things in the world, or even telling me "You're strong, you'll get through this" (because sometimes I don't feel like that's true at all) are not helpful things. What is helpful is just to sit with me, listen to me, let me know you love me, and don't try to fix it.

Helpful! :)

I want to be careful to not just share with y'all what not to say. While that's helpful, I also believe that more people need to be educated on what kinds of comments and questions are appropriate and affirming when speaking to someone who is struggling with their mental health. [Note: I understand that all people handle talking about their mental health differently, but these are some things that are fairly general and "safe" to say to or ask a person who lives with mental illness.]

SIMPLY ASK THEM HOW THEY'RE DOING. | One of the most hurtful things that has happened to me throughout my mental health journey is when people with whom I have been close and who know that I've been struggling choose to not ever ask me how I'm doing. I've heard from some people that they've chosen not to acknowledge it with me simply because they "didn't know what to say." Honestly, it's not that hard to just say, "Hey, Brynn...I know you've been struggling but I care about you and your mental health. How have you been lately?" It might feel awkward for you to bring it up, but trust me, when people in my life have come right out and asked me, it means the world to me. It makes me feel seen, valued, loved. When you dance around addressing my mental health and pretend it's not a part of me, it makes me feel invisible, invalidated, and just all around shitty.
Check in. | I know that when I am more anxious or depressed, I tend to isolate myself a little bit more than usual. However, I still want and need to feel cared about. I have amazing people in my life who have done a fantastic job of showing me how much they love me. Easy and quick things you might want to consider doing to help support your friend who's experiencing mental illness include: sending a random text, sending a letter in the mail (this is one of my favorite things to receive and I have started to return the favor!), send a link to a funny video. Don't expect anything in return; just know that by reaching out, you've made the spirit of your friend with mental illness smile a little more.
Just spend time together. | Two of my very best friends in the world are my cousin Katie, and my nearly lifelong friend Jourdan. I'm giving them a special shout-out here because they have been integral in my mental health recovery. Katie and Jourdan both understand mental illness and have been the most patient, understanding, loving, and supportive friends I could have asked for. They know that it is important to spend time together, but they also don't care if I wear leggings and a sweatshirt (and no bra, duh!) when we hang out; they simply just want to spend time with me because they care about me. With each of these women through my mental health recovery, I have spent time eating snacks, laughing, watching movies, coloring, spilling my guts, listening, not saying a word, walking around the mall, browsing for treasures at the thrift store, treating ourselves to a fancy dinner for no reason other than we love ourselves/each other, etc. I never have to worry about what state I'm in when we're together because they both accept me where I'm at and I always wind up feeling so much better after spending time together, no matter what we do or how long we spend together.
Help other people understand. | Learning about mental illnesses and what life is like for those of us who struggle with our mental health is one of the best things you can do to support us. When you learn about what depression is and what it can feel like, it helps take the pressure off of me from having to explain myself. One of the things that makes me feel the most supported is when people in my life use what they've learned about mental illness to help spread the word to others. This is what helps to break the stigma against mental illness! When you share my blog posts or share articles you've read online about mental illness or listen to podcasts about mental illness and then talk about what you've learned with others, it makes me feel like you're a trusted, safe, supportive person who is committed to end the stigma against mental illness. You're someone I want in my life.

I hope you've learned a little more about how to best support those in your life living with mental illness. These are all things that have been helpful for me in my own mental health recovery! I would love to hear your thoughts about any of these things! Let's get the conversation going!