Book: A Pelican of the Wilderness

Something interesting has come out of me being much more open about my mental illness.  People from all areas of my life are reaching out to thank me for sharing my story, to ask for support in their own struggles, to seek out resources, and to simply say they love me and are thinking about me.

My mom has been sharing my blog posts on her own Facebook page.  One of our friends from church (hi, Janet!) read one of my early blog posts, and in reading my story she was reminded of a friend of hers.  His name is Bob Griggs.  He's her neighbor, is a pastor, and is a survivor of depression.  Bob also wrote a book about his depression: A Pelican of the Wilderness: Depression, Psalms, Ministry, and Movies.  Janet gave me a copy of Bob's book recently...and I loved it so much I knew I wanted to write about it here.

Bob had been a practicing minister in the United Church of Christ for over 30 years, and was hospitalized with major depression.  The book documents his depression and recovery in an honest, raw, reflective, and humorous way that I connected to deeply.  Bob talks about learning how to find pleasure in the small things, choosing his path, setting limits in his life, and accepting his reality.  He also writes about the comfort he found in reading the Psalms and watching classic films as he recovered.

I'd like to share some of my favorite parts of the book and how they have resonated with me.  I hope you can find some value in these words, too!

• In the hospital, Bob's psychiatrist told him that one of the reasons he was in the hospital was because he was driving himself too hard, too fast, and wasn't taking the time he needed to recover.  Oh, how this spoke to my soul.  I found myself in the ER in the end of November because I couldn't take it anymore.  I didn't know what else to do; none of my standard coping strategies were working.  I could think of nothing except how numb I was and how much I wanted to just take a break from living for a bit.  I was working too hard at my job, putting unattainable high expectations on myself in all areas of my life, and beating myself up for not meeting such expectations.  The social worker I spoke to in the ER said the same thing to me: "You need to take a step back and focus on you." 
• Bob writes: "I needed people to help me rest, to help carry the burdens of my life, to point me in the right direction, and then to walk with me that way for a while" (p. 46).  Just like Bob needed to seek out help, so did (DO!) I.  As someone who tends to be pretty independent and always hated group projects in school, it's hard for me to rely on others to help me with anything.  But let me tell you, I couldn't make it if I didn't have the support of my family and close friends who have loved me through this journey of depression.
• Bob writes: "Remember that when you are under stress, it's natural to revert to old ways of coping" (p. 95).  This is one of the things I am going to need to remind myself of frequently.  My old ways of coping clearly weren't working for me anymore, and I am spending a lot of time learning what is effective.  I have pared back a lot of things in my life so that I can take the time I need to learn and heal, but when things start to be "back to normal," I am worried that I will slip back into old patterns.  Stress management and positive coping skills are the key!
• Bob writes: "Far from shaming me, my family has encouraged me to be honest about my depression.  Far from shaming me, they keep referring to my courage in facing my demons.  Far from shaming me, they have helped me to regain my self-respect" (p. 111).  Wow...did I write this?  I loved reading about how Bob's family supported him in his recovery, and it rang true for me.  My parents, my brother, and his wife (among other family members - chosen and biological alike) have been truly lifesavers.  While I have experienced some shaming (whether intentional or not) about my mental illness and how I'm choosing to address it and talk about it, I am deeply grateful that I have not felt one bit of shaming from my family.  They are my biggest cheerleaders and are absolutely the reason I continue to share my own story with you all.
• Bob talks a lot about how telling your story helps to end the stigma against mental illness, and how being open about our stories helps the people we encounter be more open with us in return.  Because Bob also works in the helping profession as a minister, I can't tell you how much this message has positively affected me.  Bob has been able to maintain a successful career as a minister and address his depression with his congregation and coworkers.  He has received outpourings of love and support from those people and it hasn't prevented him from being a caring, compassionate, competent professional.  I can't reiterate enough how important this point alone is for me to recognize and embrace.

At this point, you probably feel like you don't even need to read the book because I've shared so much of what I have loved about it, but I urge you to read it if you can.  Bob's story in the hospital is eye-opening and helps to paint a more realistic (and less stereotypical) picture of who it is that battles mental illness.  His description of how he has used Psalms in processing his mental illness and in facilitating his recovery is beautiful and moving.  His analysis of classic films and how they've helped him recover is often hilarious (Blazing Saddles, anyone?).  This book is easily one of the most important books I have read in a long time - and as an avid reader, that's saying something - and I can't wait to read it again and again as I continue my way through my healing process.

Janet, thank you so much for connecting me to Bob's writing.  Bob, your story inspires me and I am personally grateful for your gift of words and your honesty in what it's like to be a helper who also battles mental illness.  Thank you for giving me hope.