December Is the Darkest Month

Content warning: Suicide

December is the darkest month. The sun hides for 15 hours of the day.

December is the darkest month. Even when the sun tries to peek out, December is cloudy; the clouds shadow the rays.

December is the darkest month. My brain is in the darkest space in December. I feel dim in December.

Four years ago today, I went to the hospital for my mental health for the first time. Two Decembers later, I went to the hospital again for my mental health. Last December, I was experiencing pervasive suicidal thoughts so deep that I was in physical pain and was barely holding on.

It’s December again.

I recently began doing intensive trauma therapy using EMDR. EMDR is grueling. Hard. Exhausting. Fascinating. Freeing.

During EMDR, I’m remembering painful traumatic experiences and working to reprocess them in my brain. These are some of the darkest experiences I can remember. Things are resurfacing. Things are being uncovered. I’m making connections and identifying patterns. I feel the darkness of December once again. It’s really dark this December.

But this December? This December, I have hope. I know that by digging deep into this work and literally changing my brain, I will make it through. I will learn that I am not my trauma. I am not my past. I am not broken. I am strong. I am resilient. I know I can grow because I am currently growing. Those around me will see it. They will see me. This trauma work is already changing my life and I have only just begun.

December is the darkest month. Here I am. Sitting in the dark; feeling it wash over my body.

December is the darkest month. And…this time, I am holding a candle. This flickering light that I will protect and nurture until December ends and the sun begins to shine brightly once again.